On Second Thought (and defective Ball Cheese)

(Original post and comments here.)

I hope the previous post was at least moderately entertaining. But I got to thinking...Mushroom Research? Man, in a country where the psychedelic variety are at least semi-legal, maybe guys that chose looking at fungus as a career wouldn't be so dull after all. It's one of those things that probably wouldn't have much of a middle ground, like art films; they'd either be brilliant or godawful boring.

Anyway, I promised more about Fressay, but it's just a grocery store. What I found there is what I want to talk about, but first, can anyone tell me if Dr. Pepper has labels like this back home?:


By the way, you can click on the title of this post to go to Dr. Pepper's Japanese home page and see these in their native habitat, or click on the pictures to see larger versions. If you can't read it, the site is www.drpp.jp ... yeah, Dr. PP, that's right. No pun intended, I'm sure. What really drew me to these was the subtle tastefulness of the sexual references and imagery. The first time I read one of these labels I started laughing out loud in the grocery store, which is a sure way to get sent to the loony bin in Japan. Basically only small children and high school girls make any noise in public.

Seriously though, I can't believe the marketing weirdness involved in selling carbonated sugar water. This baffles me. I'm just as much for gratuitous displays as the next guy, but what's up with the hillbilly frog? Who invited this guy along? What skillz has this guy gotta have to be hanging out with those chicks?

There's an 'interview' with the Pepper Chix on the site. Apparently their names are a bit more down to earth than their ahem mammary glands, which isn't saying much, I know: Julie, Peg, Markie, and Ashley. (One of those may be the frog, I don't know enough Japanese to say for sure.) By the way, I'm gonna try to find some labels that still have these guys' predecessors on them, the busty rollerskating insect transformer girls. Then you might appreciate that in some ways, this is a step UP in quality.

Some more packaging bizarreness:
Doritos NEW "Better'n a Kick in the Nads" flavor! You technically can't get them for false advertising on that, they are just the teensiest bit better than a kick in the nads. If you're curious, the label at the top says "Taitsukun Adult Doritos" and the black triangles are what these things actually look like. Interestingly, I think the yellow guy is the hero, Taitsukun.
(Update: A Japanese friend told me these two guys are friends in an old Japanese comic, and the message beside them reads "The Electric Massage is back." Kinda one of those things where the translation renders the whole thing even weirder.)

Ball Cheese - Visit a harvesting station near you! Trust me, the bit after Ball says 'Cheese' - or to be precise chiizu - in Katakana (phonetic Japanese for foreign words). I'm impressed that the word cheese is in a speech bubble coming from the cheese itself. Very artistic. The whole thing is particularly special because I found this little gem in a store inventively named "Bakery Outlet." What went wrong with this product that got it sent to the outlet? I figure you have to be hurting pretty bad to go out and buy not just ball cheese, but defective ball cheese.

And that is the end.

Good of you to drop by

(Original post and comments here.)

Hey, thanks for coming over. Apologies about the condition of the place, I really gotta get some wallpaper up and whatnot, but for the moment, here's my foray into the blogging world.


   My life is gonna be so full of adventure and hijinks, I'm getting all tingly. I hadn't realized until today that I was in a fast-paced action movie...it just needs a lot of editing.
   This afternoon I went for a bike ride up into the mountains. No reason, no destination, just getting out there. As I left Fressay (a grocery store on the edge of civilization - more about it later), I decided to avoid the main road and just hop up the little mountain that's right behind the store. About 10 seconds' ride later, what do I see but a sign screaming about underground missile silos and tests conducted in secrecy by men in lab coats sworn to secrecy who live in a moral vacuum. One of them, probably named Steve or Kurt, may decide to help me later when a subplot reveals his boss has been taking credit for his discoveries or finding hideous new biological warfare applications for the work done there.
   Ok, well, it didn't exactly say that, but to one who knows how to read between the lines it's pretty clear when you say something like "Japan Mushroom Research Institute" that there's some impending nuclear disaster brewing up the mountainside and the sign was obviously meant to bore away intruders.
   Who would put an actual mushroom research institute in a sleepy little town like Kiryu when the local law enforcement officials are practically begging to be corrupted by money and power and the chance to be a part of a grand scheme? Sounds like Steven Seagal may be dropping by later. I can't wait to see him kick the crap out of 20 or 30 guys at a time. That'll so make six months of living in a pimple on the ass of Nowhere worthwhile.
   Sure enough, when I got a little further up the mountainside, there was not much around, no barrels of glowing waste or piles of skeletal remains, just the occasional barrier with a polite message about 'road closed'. The sort of thing that really gets the hair on the back of your neck standing at attention. A big operation like this has gotta be pretty slick to keep all that stuff hidden well. When I arrived at the main "Mushroom Research" building, it looks like it hasn't even been opened in months, yet there was a well-maintained car parked outside. Keep in mind, I hadn't been accosted by any security thugs the size of industrial refrigerators, not even a single robotic bird tried to peck my eyes out, so I can tell these guys are pretty confident in their little illusion, huddled in their miles of bunkers deep underground.
   Man, exploring those tunnels is gonna be so awesome, especially after I wrestle a gun away from the first unsuspecting security guy that stumbles over me while he's using the company mobile phone to call his girlfriend.
   Maybe I should call up the gang from Goonies, they'd be able to give me some pointers on how to avoid booby traps and that kind of thing. I gotta be careful not to go in knowing too much, though, because then they might dig up bad guys who could aim reasonably well. Or maybe not, it's not as though even James Bond runs into many of those.
   So anyway, if you don't hear any more from me in the next couple of days, don't be fooled by the lookalike they'll train to take my place and pretend everything is ok. Send help! I'll be held for questioning deep underground until some unlikely duo with funny one-liners comes to get me. It'll be a relief when I finally get thrown in the snake-pit with a little bit of blood running down from a small cut at the corner of my mouth, cause then you know a last-minute rescue is on the way. I'm just lucky I'm not a black guy, or I'd know the rescuers would get there just in time to watch the last of my crushed body disappear into the mouth of some monstrous python.