Good of you to drop by

(Original post and comments here.)

Hey, thanks for coming over. Apologies about the condition of the place, I really gotta get some wallpaper up and whatnot, but for the moment, here's my foray into the blogging world.


   My life is gonna be so full of adventure and hijinks, I'm getting all tingly. I hadn't realized until today that I was in a fast-paced action movie...it just needs a lot of editing.
   This afternoon I went for a bike ride up into the mountains. No reason, no destination, just getting out there. As I left Fressay (a grocery store on the edge of civilization - more about it later), I decided to avoid the main road and just hop up the little mountain that's right behind the store. About 10 seconds' ride later, what do I see but a sign screaming about underground missile silos and tests conducted in secrecy by men in lab coats sworn to secrecy who live in a moral vacuum. One of them, probably named Steve or Kurt, may decide to help me later when a subplot reveals his boss has been taking credit for his discoveries or finding hideous new biological warfare applications for the work done there.
   Ok, well, it didn't exactly say that, but to one who knows how to read between the lines it's pretty clear when you say something like "Japan Mushroom Research Institute" that there's some impending nuclear disaster brewing up the mountainside and the sign was obviously meant to bore away intruders.
   Who would put an actual mushroom research institute in a sleepy little town like Kiryu when the local law enforcement officials are practically begging to be corrupted by money and power and the chance to be a part of a grand scheme? Sounds like Steven Seagal may be dropping by later. I can't wait to see him kick the crap out of 20 or 30 guys at a time. That'll so make six months of living in a pimple on the ass of Nowhere worthwhile.
   Sure enough, when I got a little further up the mountainside, there was not much around, no barrels of glowing waste or piles of skeletal remains, just the occasional barrier with a polite message about 'road closed'. The sort of thing that really gets the hair on the back of your neck standing at attention. A big operation like this has gotta be pretty slick to keep all that stuff hidden well. When I arrived at the main "Mushroom Research" building, it looks like it hasn't even been opened in months, yet there was a well-maintained car parked outside. Keep in mind, I hadn't been accosted by any security thugs the size of industrial refrigerators, not even a single robotic bird tried to peck my eyes out, so I can tell these guys are pretty confident in their little illusion, huddled in their miles of bunkers deep underground.
   Man, exploring those tunnels is gonna be so awesome, especially after I wrestle a gun away from the first unsuspecting security guy that stumbles over me while he's using the company mobile phone to call his girlfriend.
   Maybe I should call up the gang from Goonies, they'd be able to give me some pointers on how to avoid booby traps and that kind of thing. I gotta be careful not to go in knowing too much, though, because then they might dig up bad guys who could aim reasonably well. Or maybe not, it's not as though even James Bond runs into many of those.
   So anyway, if you don't hear any more from me in the next couple of days, don't be fooled by the lookalike they'll train to take my place and pretend everything is ok. Send help! I'll be held for questioning deep underground until some unlikely duo with funny one-liners comes to get me. It'll be a relief when I finally get thrown in the snake-pit with a little bit of blood running down from a small cut at the corner of my mouth, cause then you know a last-minute rescue is on the way. I'm just lucky I'm not a black guy, or I'd know the rescuers would get there just in time to watch the last of my crushed body disappear into the mouth of some monstrous python.